On Recursivity

Betsy Calabaza
6 min readDec 16, 2020


All these great adventures cause a ni**a in the loop

  • Flee Lord

Standing in front of the band with a stick like Beethoven

  • Flee Lord

If you’re not capable of answering a question, you feel lost. Where are you lost? Lost in thought?

I would argue that you’re lost and not lost. What’s preventing you from finding yourself?

You’re not lost when you’re confused or ignorant because you’re still in a state of existence. You’re lost in a psychological realm because you want to define yourself in terms of what you’re capable of thinking, doing and predicting. In facing thought, doing and prediction, we find ourselves.

You’re not lost in what I will call “abstract beauty.” Abstract beauty is the harmony found in the universe that allows for synchrony, melody, and prediction. If we think of the universe as energy being consumed by black holes, black holes become the conductor of the symphony. Creating an impulse in the energy field to act. The energy field acts against discordant disorder, being ripped apart as it nears destruction. In the face of disorder, energy looks for harmony (beauty). Whatever is is because of energy looking to belong to a harmonious hum.

In contrast to how we’re never lost in abstract beauty, you yourself can be lost in evolutionary psychology. Somehow the universally disrupted energy field resulted in stars and planets with life. Life itself is energy with a black hole at the center of it.

These very words can mean anything but they definitely mean something to you because the disorder they create in the universe is made harmonious by your evolutionary psychology. For these words to make sense, we must already be conditioned to maintain harmony. What conditions us?

If we were to suddenly act all crazy and without harmony, we would still be harmonious with regard to abstract beauty, universal harmony. But our own psychology would be in a disarray. What does it mean to experience disorder while the abstract beauty keeps the melody going without a care? What does it mean to suffer a whole lifetime and still call the suffering beautiful? Why not grow hatred towards the melody that seems to make fun of us? There is no fighting it. Fighting it leads to one of two outcomes. Either we destroy ourselves or we continue the melody. Either way the melody will continue unharmed. And thus any fight we pick with it will only be a fight against our own beauty. No beauty exists outside the abstract beauty.

If our awareness were a fish, evolutionary psychology would be a body of water that hosts us. Can we evolve past evolutionary psychology?

The complete makeup of our awareness is not just our psychology. Our own psychology evolved from a discordant disorder wanting to find order. Order being beauty or something akin, something to go towards and want. And so our own awareness is a constant struggle in search for harmony and maintaining harmony in the face of an equally constant consumptive black hole.

The abstract beauty moved from where it came, an empty, pre-Big Bang silence, towards an Earth that hosts life. The abstract beauty then moved towards us being a thing. To the point that we are a thing. What are we?

The movements of abstract beauty is persistent, recursive, ambiguous. Ambiguous because the circumstances and solutions offered by abstract beauty are immediate. We’re only left with the results. From the results, we find enough meaning to create a map of the circumstances and wisdom to move around the map. “Meaning” being a continuous melody within our own understanding that allows us to move amid the chaos with elegance. The movement has no promise but to struggle against a possibility of annihilation.

We as things are persistent, recursive but definite. We can only be ambiguous in ironic ways. We can only be ambiguous once we identify a definite state.

The definite state is identified by its validation. Our appreciation of the abstract beauty. We appreciate beauty by first attaching answers, our answers, to the questions we encounter in life. Sometimes we can be aware of how we relate questions and answers together. Other times we can only experience the persistent, recursive, immediateness of abstract beauty. This immediateness is curious. Sometimes, a lot of times, it’s absolutely terrifying and ugly. Why call it beauty and not grotesque?

Black holes consume energy, the energy thrown out of order. The disorder ripples and the energy fights for peace and synchrony.

Whereas abstract beauty is ambiguous, our psychology creates a pseudo-plug for the black hole disorder. It counters the disorder of the black hole with a rhythm that keeps the energy in peace and defines the self as a separate actor within the conduction. In an orchestra, each member is defined by the order they bring into the melody. Recursively, you are what you do.

What about animals before they understood language? How were grunts and noises keeping the peace?

There’s two levels to this. In the persistence of abstract beauty, whose order is always kept, question and answer being immediately determined, it seems weird that we would suffer. Why call this beauty? From our point of misery, we would rather it be petty and wish for chaos then praise the abstract as beautiful.

The second level is paradoxical and it’s why the abstract is beautiful. The abstract beauty moves towards ultimate want. We ourselves are defined by the answers we live and give. We are triangulated into definite being through our interpretation. Dogmatic or speculative interpretation, any interpretation will do.

The paradox is that we have to answer with a love of the answer we give. Why is there evil? Whatever answer we give, we have to support its outcome. We have to justify the evil and see it as an opening question to answer. If we don’t support the outcome we’ve designated, we change the answer to something we love. We justify evil with our answer in order to overcome it. Evil is integrated into the melody and we dance with the devil for the greater good.

What’s beautiful about people suffering? People of low intelligence being abused by people who are supposed to be better and more capable. Why do successful people encourage evil deeds? Out of ignorance?

Could it be that against the disorder of black holes tearing energy apart, our own energy struggles against the same consumption? How abled do we have to be to do good in any given scenario? To be absolutely beautiful?

Maybe that’s where the abstract beauty wants to go. Or is going. Where it’s taking us. Maybe the choice between extinction and survival is whether our goodness can overcome disorder. Where we become able to do good. When the abstract beauty persists towards its want, will it want us and our answers? Or will the immediateness silence us in consumption?

Two culture orbit each other until they meet. Each, at first, encircling its own black hole; finding rhythm with their own conductor. All the questions and confusion grow as two cultures’ black holes get closer and grow into even greater discordance. Their differences in customs creates a unique new melody in the clashing cultures. Our energy begins to drain differently and our own rhythm changes. Until the two cultures are one and the black holes are stabilized by the now-one culture’s rhythm.

The question of overcoming may itself be nihilistic. Are we all just going to be consumed by the black hole at the end? Why care about each other if our lives can be better by sacrificing others to the black hole? Why struggle with each other more than we have to to maintain our own validity?

Because our own melody is short lived. It rings out into calm silence if we don’t willingly struggle with the synchrony. If we are just the outcome of a bell rung, we just enjoy the dissipating vibes. If we are to overcome the struggles that shape the melody, we can ring the bell again. Escape the melody with more melody. Increase the participation and participants, make the orchestra grow. Put on the greatest show on Earth for our dear conductors.



Betsy Calabaza

blooms — crazy rants masked as abstract experimental philosophy. s/o CS Peirce